Week 2: Social connections

Good social relationships "might be a necessary condition for high happiness."

Social connectivity in early life is a better indicator of adult happiness than academic performance.

Quiz on connectedness.

• http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_are_secrets_to_happy_life
• http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_social_connections_keep_seniors_healthy
• http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_childcare_boosts_social_capital

Reminder: Try the Three Good Things practice, each evening write down positive aspects of the day.

Evolution of sociality.

Insecure attachment can cause illness.

When study participants thought of someone who made them feel safe they became more caring and compassionate.

Committed partners may diminish an individual's insecurity over time by consistently providing a secure base.

Different kinds of people need emphasis on different kinds of caring, emotional or rational.

Five ways to overcome attachment insecurity:

• Get to know your attachment pattern by reading up on attachment theory.
• If you don't already have a great therapist with expertise in attachment theory, find one.
• Seek out partners with secure attachment styles.
• If you didn't find such a partner, go to couples therapy.
• Practice.

High quality social relationships correspond with longer, happier, and healthier lives.

Vagus nerve activity is strongly related to feelings of connection and care toward others.

Five ways the oxytocin molecule can shape social life:

• It keeps you loyal to your love—and leery of the rest.
• It makes us poor winners and sore losers.
• It makes you cooperative with your group—sometimes a little too cooperative.
• It makes you see your group as better than other groups (to a point).
• It does make us trusting—but not gullible.

Touching is healthy and increases tendence to collaborate. Early born babies improved much better with daily touch sessions. When teachers pat students in a friendly way they are 3 times more likely to speak up in class.

Happiness practice #2: Active listening

Listen with the intent to understand rather than to reply.

Think of someone in your life whose happiness you want to improve.

Make a plan for how a conversation can be arranged between you.

Write down a few questions you can ask this person that might help them feel comfortable sharing what they're thinking and feeling.

Review these guidelines and put the plan into action.

Pointers summarized

• Paraphrase. Once the other person has finished expressing a thought, paraphrase what he or she said to make sure you understand and to show that you are paying attention.
• Ask questions.
• Express empathy. If the other person voices negative feelings, strive to validate these feelings rather than questioning or defending against them.
• Use engaged body language. Give your full attention.
• Avoid judgment. Your goal is to understand the other person's perspective and accept it for what it is, even if you disagree with it.
• Avoid giving advice.
• Take turns.

Why it works

Evidence that it works.

Active listening helps listeners better understand others' perspectives, can prevent missunderstandings and make relationships more satisfying. Practicing active listening with someone close to you can also help you listen better when interacting with other people in your life.

Additional practices

• http://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/capitalizing_on_positive_events
• http://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/shared_identity
• http://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/putting_a_human_face_on_suffering
• http://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/avoiding_the_four_horsemen_in_relationships

Family and relations

Marriage can help sustain happiness.

Older parents and parents of older children experience more happiness. Social support is important, having a job less so. Parents with custody are happier and adoptive parents are as happy as biological ones.

Quality and quantity of friendships are both important.

Fewer close friends takes a toll on health. Four layers of social connection:

• Online contacts: Amassing too many can be negative. Can help satisfy our need for connection. Are no substitute for physical interactions. Contributing to online communities is rewarding.
• Professional networks: Help build careers. Many weak ties help in job searches. Not good for emotional support. Active involvment is again important, help organize events and contribute to others projects.
• Close friends: Satisfy our needs for belonging. Relations across ethnic groups can improve health. Do not depend too much on their approval. Promote your friends instead of being jealous, be successful together!
• Significant others: Closeness and intimacy. Increases social network through shared connections. Can harm social life if they choose to spend all their time alone. Having a strong network of friends is important for a healthy marriage.

The more we can shift our focus from maintaining our own self-image to remembering our genuine concern for our friends well-being, the happier and healthier our friendships will be.

The true value of our social capital may lie less in what we gain from it personally and more in what it allows us to build and create in collaboration with others.

Cross-group connections play an important role in happiness and health, a diverse network of friends gives a wider perspective.

Five ways to renew an old love:

• Look into their eyes—as often as possible.
• Seek opportunities for cooperative silliness.
• Turn unlikely moments into shared history.
• Take time to appreciate the good things, say thank you.
• Take your positive emotions to the bank, share good feelings, connections are our assets.

Empathy

One of the most effective and deeply rooted skills we have for connecting with other people is our ability to empathize.

Affective empathy: Feel what others feel.

Cognitive empathy: Understand what others feel.

Rhesus monkeys have been observed to starve themselves in order to avoid hurting another animal. There are mirror neurons that activate when we see someone else performing an action. Emotions trump rules.

Empathy can be cultivated. Here are six habits of empathic people:

• Cultivate curiosity about strangers. Set yourself the challenge of having a conversation with one stranger every week.
• Challenge prejudices and discover commonalities.
• Try another person's life. Spend your next vacation living and volunteering in a underdeveloped village.
• Listen hard—and open up. Dare to be vulnerable.
• Inspire mass action and social change.
• Develop an ambitious imagination. Empathize with "enemies". We need empathy to create a revolution in the worlds relationships.

Assess your level of empathy with this quiz.

Additional resources

• http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/empathy_reduces_racism
• http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/chaning_our_minds
• http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_empathy_stop_climate_change
• http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/feeling_like_partners

Updated on 2020-07-22.