http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/birds_do_it_bats_do_it
There is a tremendous amount of cooperation in nature.
Cooperation is one of the most important and beneficial behaviors on Earth.
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_cooperative_instinct
Cooperating stimulates reward circuitries in the brain.
Quick decisions are generally more cooperative.
Remembering good intuitive decisions make us more cooperative.
Cooperation is advantageous.
Did you try the Acts of Kindness practice from last week?
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/peace_among_primates
Peaceful primates mate for life and males help substantially with child care.
Even usually violent primates can make peace under the right conditions.
The action of genes is completely intertwined with the environment in which they function.
Primates genetically adapted for one environment can readjust to a new setting in hours.
In one experiment violent primates were mixed with peaceful ones and changed their behaviour to be peaceful aswell, this change persisted even as they were put back into a group of primarily violent primates. Such peaceful behaviour has been shown to spread throughout a group and persist for decades.
A relaxing atmosphere is contagiuos.
Presenting a image of a primate not previously interacted with subliminally can arouse fear.
Even the most violent of species can develop harmonious peace in relatively short periods of time.
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/born_to_blush
We reflexively become submissive when embarassed, to avoid conflict.
Embarassment is a healthy reaction, a bad alternative people sometimes exhibit is aggression. Good people question their own cababilities and are able to admit fault.
Embarrassment can be a peacemaking force that brings people together.
At the heart of the embarrassment display is humility and modesty.
The gaze aversion, downward head movements, awkward smiles and face touches are a language of cooperation.
Embarrassment is like an ocean wave: It throws you and those near you down to Earth, but you come up embracing and laughing.
Apologies and happiness at work.
Apology is a vital, often necessary, step toward assuaging feelings of humiliation, promoting forgiveness, and restoring balance to a relationship.
Four parts of an effective apology: acknowledgment of the offense; explanation; expressions of remorse, shame, and humility; and reparation.
Acknowledgement is most commonly inadequate, the apologizer must be aware what is being apologized for, and not diminish the other experience of the other party. Phrases like "for whatever I did" or "if mistakes were made" are inappropriate.
Stating you feel sorry for someone is far from taking responsibility for hurtful actions.
Saying "there is no excuse" is better than a shallow excuse.
Explanations need to show similar incidents are unlikely to recur.
Reparation is to offer compensation for suffering.
Healing factors of apologies are: restoration of dignity, affirmation of shared values, victims not feeling responsible, future safety, justice, compensation, dialogue where victims can express their feelings.
Forgiveness comes spontaneously; the victim feels like his offender has released him of a burden or offered him a gift. In response, it can be good to return the gift by downplaying the damage done to himself, sharing part of the blame for the offense, or complimenting the offender in some way. Commonly, the relationship becomes stronger with a bond forged out of the honesty and courage of the offending party.
There are situations in which it is useful to forgive without an apology. One obvious example is where the offending party is deceased. Forgiveness then helps the aggrieved get on with his life. Without an apology, it is difficult to imagine forgiveness accompanied by reconciliation or restoration of a trusting relationship.
Forgiveness does not mean that we condone what happened in the past. It's not forgive and forget. Forgiveness is about releasing yourself from the prison of hate.
For native Americans grief is valued for it brings people closer to the Gods.
The Dalai Lama sat with nuns who had been imprisoned, they answered to the question if they had been afraid with that what they had been most afraid of was to lose their compassion toward the guards.
The capacity for forgiveness is a built-in feature of human nature.
We are more forgiving in secure social settings.
Study after study of forgiveness shows that forgiving others who have caused you harm systematically reduces personal distress and fosters happiness:
Forgiveness doesn't necessarily even mean reconciling with the person who hurt you. Instead, it means changing your own attitude toward this original hurt so that it doesn't continue to wound you.
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_new_science_of_forgiveness
Forgiveness isn't just practiced by saints or martyrs, nor does it benefit only its recipients. Instead, studies are finding connections between forgiveness and physical, mental, and spiritual health and evidence that it plays a key role in the health of families, communities, and nations.
The forgiving person becomes less motivated to retaliate against someone who offended him or her and less motivated to remain estranged from that person. Instead, he or she becomes more motivated by feelings of goodwill, despite the offender's hurtful actions. In a close relationship, we hope, forgiveness will not only move us past negative emotions, but move us toward a net positive feeling. It doesn't mean forgetting or pardoning an offense.
People are usually more willing to forgive if they sense trust and a willingness to sacrifice from their partner.
In one study: People who showed high motivations for revenge and avoidance had lower relationship satisfaction. People who tended to forgive reported greater relationship quality and also greater commitment to relationships.
Forgiveness can be learned and trained.
Sincere apologies helped people forgive and calm down. Getting fair restitution on top of an apology magnified the effect. Insincere or incomplete apologies actually riled people up more.
TEDx talk on real-world forgiveness examples.
Is the essence of forgiveness being resilient when things don't go your way? That is, being able to handle "no" when you wanted or expected a "yes" in life.
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_choice_to_forgive
http://www.learningtoforgive.com/
Forgiveness isn't just wishful thinking. It's a trainable skill.
Forgiveness can reduce stress, blood pressure, anger, depression, and hurt, and it can increase optimism, hope, compassion, and physical vitality.
Forgiving someone does not mean forgetting or approving of hurtful events in the past. Rather, it means letting go of your hurt and anger, and not making someone endlessly responsible for your emotional well-being.
By putting less blame on the past, we can change the way we feel in the present.
Perhaps the most fundamental benefit of forgiveness is that over time it allows us access to the loving emotions that can lie buried beneath grievances and grudges.
http://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/eight_essentials_when_forgiving
Make a decision to forgive, and ask yourself, are you ready to deliberately try to reduce resentment towards this person, and instead offer him or her kindness, respect, generosity, even love?
Write down several offsenses and rate them according to how much suffering they have caused you. Begin with the least serious one and follow these guidelines:
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/brain_trust
Oxytocin facilitates trust and can help those with social phobia.
We have a deeply rooted ability to trust.
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/john_gottman_on_trust_and_betrayal
Trust isn't just important for couples. It's also vital to neighborhoods and states and countries. Trust is central to what makes human communities work.
There's less philanthropy in low-trust regions, greater crime of all kinds, lower longevity, worse health, lower academic achievement in schools.
Couples who cooperatively trust eachother are more healthy.
To build trust in a relationship aim to ATTUNE:
Once you start thinking that you can find a better partner, then you begin a cascade of not committing to the relationship; of trashing your partner instead of cherishing your partner; of building resentment rather than gratitude; of lowering your investment in the relationship; of not sacrificing for the relationship; and of escalating conflicts.
We can work to make relationships more trusting and people more trustworthy.
Updated on 2020-07-22.